Hi there. I must admit that I didn’t get on with counselling, but I think it may have been because I needed something much earlier. Mindfulness is something that some get, but I find listening to music, or just watching birds on our birdfeeder is more relaxing.
I remember Listen with Mother, and have also read stories to reception class children.Story telling has changed quite a bit from those gentle voices that were supposed to sooth you into an afternoon nap.Teachers now have to be entertainers, and the scarier the story, the better! Weird voices and scary faces now have to be employed.
So glad that we are here and able to make a difference, and I can see our friend Alfie is also replying. Take care xx
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Dear Anthony, I have a friend with cancer who is in his mid sixties and recently had his first session of counselling with a young therapist and reacted in a similar way. It’s inevitable that most of these counsellors are going to be much younger than you or me and with little real life experiences. I think what they should be trying to do is reprogram your way of thinking about things and it’s probably not helpful to probe to far into your early life looking for answers if you are beyond a certain age. As you say in your post you already know why your anxious, and those reasons are valid but the question is how to learn to live with your reality. As the facts in my case are indisputable and I can’t control the outcome my logical brain just seems to override my anxieties, however in your case the situation is more nuanced, there is some leeway in what might happen and it’s this uncertainty that is at the root of the problem. I suspect you share this issue with a large number of blood cancer sufferers with a chronic condition as apposed to one that can be cured outright. I would continue with the counselling but get them to focus on how to deal with the aforementioned uncertainties of your disease as from my personal experience excepting you can’t control certain things is a form of release in of itself. And obviously we are all here as back up for you at all times
Love alfie🌹
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Dear Louise and Alfie,
I’m so glad you’re still there for me.
I won’t give up on the counselling of course, maybe I was expecting too much from it though.
I think I may have annoyed her rather after the mindfulness session. When she asked me what I thought of it I said that a Valium worked better.
What rather does irritate me is the fact she sets a clearly visible timer at the start of each session, I’m acutely aware I’m on the clock right from the start.
I explained that my early life was not anything to do with the way I’m feeling now, but I’m sure she was trying to base my present feelings into some trauma in my past.
I came away feeling as if I was being patronised.
I was just talking briefly to my eldest daughter who has two severely autistic children and a terribly stressful life. Talking to her made me feel a lot happier as she does understand completely. She is a mental health nurse.
I mentioned earlier that I have my review with my Haematologist on Tuesday plus my pre chemotherapy blood test on Thursday next week which ramps up my anxiety and stress tenfold.
I’m going to ask to be referred to an oncology councillor, I’ll take any help I can get.
I also heard back today from a Self Referral Councillor and have an appt with her on Monday morning.
Thank you both for your continued support, I honestly don’t know how I’d manage without it
Love and best wishes❤️
Anthony
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Hi Blackhat, I expect councillor’s are like Policeman (and most people actually) who to me look as if they are straight out of school. Yes, I remember ‘Listen with Mother’, Andy Pandy, Picture Book, Rag, Tag and Bobtail oh, and my favourites, The Flower Pot Men all in black and white. Happy Days before counselling and Mindfullness were invented. Quatermass and Dr Who were the most traumatising things in our worlds. The visible Countdown clock would get me and I would be trying to read it all the time. Yes, @Alfie it is so true when you say ‘they tell you your diagnosis and prognosis and you are left to get on with it so often’. It is the most the life changing, world shattering news I could receive and all I can remember is being straight out of the consultants office with a nurse running after me to see if I was alright and I was in complete shock. So it’s the Self Referral Counsellor next Monday, the Haematologist next Tuesday and the pre chemo blood test on Thursday next week and my anxiety levels would be rising too. Please let us know how they all go. Of course we are all going to be here to support you. and in the words of Arnie ‘I’ll be back’ too.
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I thought of mine as a vulture picking over the remains of my mental agony.
Her tone of voice oozing sympathy I found terribly irritating and contrived.
It reminded me very strongly of the the time the vet said he had to put the family cat down as it had leukaemia.
Times have changed Erica, for the worse I’m sorry to say.
I omitted thanking you for your much needed support for which I apologise.
Best wishes
Anthony
Ps you forgot Muffin The Mule and Mr Turnip in Whirligig or was that before your time.?
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Hi Blackhat, I wasn’t going to admit to my first love, Muffin the Mule, it was his legs that got to me. Brian Hyland’s Sealed with a kiss was my the first record I brought, probably from Woolworths, 3 records for £1 as I remember. I reckon I was born at the best time, music wise and reading wise with Enid Blyton and my school days were definitely not the happiest of my life. Not a lot is before my time !!
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Hi everyone. I was referred to an oncology counsellor, but could not relate to her. One thing I found strange was she never spoke, except at the end of a session! Now Erica and I have met on several occasions and she knows I could talk for England, but a conversation requires 2 or more people to take part. My counsellor never asked me a question, or showed any reaction. I didn’t know what I was there to talk about. Weird! 
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Hi Louise, @Blackhat and @Alfie, I think you make good points that for counselling to be beneficial the relationship between the 2 parties is key. Also the training and background of the counsellor needs to be appropriate to the needs of the client. I am still laughing at the silent, non reactive counsellor, spooky. Perhaps robot counsellors are nearer than we think.
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Well everyone it’s been a very interesting week to say the least, about 3 weeks go I noticed I was starting to loose my voice, I didn’t have a cough or cold or any other symptoms. Then last Friday when at clinic someone popped up from ear nose and throat and had a look with a camera, they saw a small tumour probably related to my leukemia and said it might go away with the chemotherapy but if it got worse they would review it. Fast forward to Wednesday of this week voice completely gone. So eating my sandwiches at tea time and suddenly something tumbled out of my mouth and on to my dinner plate, it was the tumour but much bigger than what the doctor saw. I got hubby to photograph it then put it in the fridge. We had our tea then went to a and e, got straight in no waiting, checked for sepsis, had antibiotics and penicillin a chest X-ray and blood tests and discharged about midnight, by which time the place was full of drunks and there was security on the door. Will have to wait for biopsy to see what it is, but am feeling much better now I can eat and talk properly. I feel quite proud of myself that I didn’t panic and stayed in control, to be honest hubby was more grossed out than me, it was like that scene in alien where the monster comes out of John hurts stomach. So don’t worry about me It’s actually a relief I don’t have another operation.
Best wishes alfie
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Wow Alfie, you are certainly being put through it ! I love the fact you finished your tea before going to A& E. Thinking of you.
Stella
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Goodness me Alfie, that is amazing…like the start of a sci-fi film. I like the calm and efficient way you dealt with it all- photo, putting in fridge, finishing meal, and pleased that you have voice and ability to swallow back. I hope that biopsy is fine
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Oh, Alfie, I wish I didn’t have such a vivid imagination, the flashbacks will be there every time I consume a sandwich. It must have been so scary for you and your hubby. Also it must be so scary to loose your voice. I am very impressed that you composed yourselves enough to photograph the said tumour and put it in the fridge and then to finish your tea. You could write a book. Please let us know how you are, how you get on and the results of the biopsy. Take lots of special care of yourself.
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Thanks everyone, as I said to my consultant you have to expect the unexpected with ppcl myeloma so I think that’s why I didn’t panic. Just be grateful I didn’t send a photograph of the intruder L.O.L once seen it can’t be unseen as the saying goes. You have to try to maintain a sense of humour in the face of these things otherwise you would go mad.
Best wishes alfie
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I know your consultant said to expect the unexpected but……………Thank you for sparing us from your husbands photographic triumphs. Definitely only one for your family album. Please do not ever think I am underestimating the seriousness of your many health challenges, but, yes, I think a sense of humour is sometimes what the doctor orders and perhaps with our conditions we hopefully, also develop a sense of humour only we truly understand.
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Dear Erica, if met me you wouldn’t know I had cancer, I am still the same person I was before, except for the fact I don’t expend energy anymore on idiots ! This is the one place I can talk freely and have a joke without everyone being mortified like they are in the real world where they expect me to be walking round in a catatonic stupor. If I say something humorous it’s because I want to make you all laugh along with me, so don’t worry I know you all understand how ill I am.
Best wishes
Alfie
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Dear all,
I’ve cancelled my self referral counselling scheduled for today, I’ll keep on with the Pilgrims one although I don’t think it will do anything for me.
I left the last one feeling extremely irritated after the “mindfulness “ experience.
I mentioned previously that I have my review with my Haematologist tomorrow, no doubt she will focus on my erratic heartbeat, which I know is caused by my continuing and increasing stress.
I had a series of panic attacks last night and had very little sleep.
Because of my Peripheral Vascular Disease I have to spend at the very least 2 hours walking which gives me a lot of pain. By the time I return home I’m exhausted and try to catch up on sleep.
I did consider antidepressants but all of the ones currently prescribed have adverse effects with the medication I’m already taking, likewise sleeping tablets.
Pre chemo b/t on Thursday which is always an anxious time.
I’ve had an invitation from Pilgrims to attend a seminar about end of life care. My eldest daughter is coming with me.
That scares me as it serves to remind me of the limited time I have left.
I can’t cope with all of the fear I feel very well at all.
I feel miserable all the time.
I can only share my thoughts with you as nobody else could possibly understand.
Anthony
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Hi Blackhat, your weekend seems really scary, fearful, exhausting and miserable and you obviously have an uncertain week coming up. Yes, although I cannot imagine what you are going through I do know how I feel when I cannot sleep and I am left with my mind whirring around. I also know my panic attacks feel so much worse at night, so is my irregular heart beat. I also agree that here is the only place I can really share my innermost fears, thoughts and feelings, I have also found nobody else really understands, however close they are to me. We await hearing how each of your appointments goes this week. We are here for you and to support you from afar. Look after yourself.
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Oh my goodness Alfie! You are being put through the ringer! I hope you (and your husband!) have recovered!
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Good luck with all your appointments Anthony. As I have been diagnosed with heart failure and feel that things are deteriorating I have some idea of why you are getting panic attacks. I am getting more periods of breathlessness, and certainly could not manage half an hour walking. My medication is being tweaked to see if it helps, but has made me feel worse, so going through the waking several times in the night in a panic mode myself at the moment.
I am pleased that your eldest daughter is supporting you at the seminar. It is scary facing that ‘end of life’ prognosis and deciding what you want/need. Maybe meeting other people in the same boat will make you feel less alone. Sending my best wishes, Louise
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Oh, Louise, you are also going through scary, uncertain times and panic attacks are absolutely horrible. Knowing that your health deteriorating would really start my head going round and round with my fears, thoughts and feelings. Please keep posting how you are and how you are feeling, we are here to support you and send you lots of love.
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