Oh @Alex217, so lovely to hear back from you.
I really empathise with much of what you’ve shared. I’m not surprised that putting into words what you’re experiencing brought on that crying—these sorts of diagnoses are a big deal, let it out! If I may be so bold, I can see why you got into healthcare because even in your own moment of need you’re thinking of others first!
I’m likely a bit older than you and have been through the emotional mill a few times in healthcare jobs during previous health issues/crises. With hindsight I would have taken more time to get my head around having and surviving a heart attack. I’d have pushed to be referred to therapy after that, rather than accepting a less experienced counsellor telling me I must surely know how to deal with my trauma alone as a psychotherapist. I’d also have asked the cardiologist who saved my life to do further testing as maybe they could have picked up on my Polycythaemia vera (PV) back then as my heart attack was caused by a clot, which is such a major symptom of these Myeloproliferative neoplasms (MPN) as I’m sure you know.
Alas, I pushed through my needs and self-care because, frankly, I was conditioned into displaying that whole stiff upper lip stuff that Brits can’t seem to move beyond. Now I spill out all over the place and am better for it. Better out than in, as my mum would say!
This time though, with Polycythaemia vera (PV), I did what I recommend others to do if they can and took time off for myself. It’s been so difficult after a lifetime of working stupidly long hours! I’d not be able to sustain my former caseload with my current energy levels, and I’d hate to not be fully present for my clients. I’m also privileged to have a partner who can support us both for now while I figure out my new normal and the edges of what I can manage and what might change. Accepting my Polycythaemia vera (PV) diagnosis is taking time but perhaps with time you’ll also have days where you forget about your diagnosis too.
Letting myself sit with the diagnoses of a JAK2 gene mutation and then the Polycythaemia vera (PV) itself has been a big lesson in self-care. Learning to trust my needs and energy levels better has been tough. When it comes to how my body is dealing with side effects of treatments and my emotional responses to an incurable blood cancer, it’s taking time to change my habits. Resting when an activity has fatigued me and then resuming later has become my new habit, and it works!
So I’d say, although I understand how you might feel like you’re letting your team down, and your patients, you need to put yourself first now. If we can’t function in our home lives then we likely take that into work anyway, which I bet is not something you’d want for your patients. Working in an environment around other caring people is a great place for you to be able to take a step back for now while you figure your own stuff out—your colleagues should know how important resting and decreasing stress is for a blood cancer survivor (if that’s what ends up being diagnosed).
Maybe think of it as an investment in yourself. I’m trying to trick my psyche into seeing this time recuperating from the shock and life changes of diagnosis as a new start of healthier boundaries and asserting my needs—sometimes to myself! After all, we can be our own worst critics.
Something else that helps me is to ask myself how I would support someone going through what I’m experiencing. How would I care for them? Then I try to do that for myself.
Not that I’m suggesting you ask for special treatment from your own team, but perhaps because you work in the same department as where you’re having treatment you could see if there’s a way to fit your appointments in around your shifts? Maybe on blood test days you could see if the phlebotomists can fit you in after your shift? I often need time after phlebotomy to myself as I find it rather invasive and emotional, aside from physical side effects of having a pint of blood removed. If blood tests aren’t a big deal for you then perhaps have them prior to a shift?
Anyway, I’ve gone on again! Keep letting those feelings out @Alex217, it’s an emotional time being diagnosed with a chronic illness. I imagine you might hold a lot of feelings for others, so now is your chance to share your own so they don’t burden you as much right now. Practice makes perfect and all that!
x
Please keep us posted about how you get on, I’ll try to be succinct in future!