Dating after cancer

Life after treatment
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I am a single 38yo girl in the middle of treatment for Acute myeloid leukaemia (AML) - I’ve had two rounds of chemotherapy and now almost certainly heading for a stem cell transplant.

In mentally preparing myself for the Stem cell transplant I am trying to build a picture in my mind of the life that I have to look forward to afterwards…

But, if I’m honest, I’m having a hard time imagining dating again in the future. I’m forced to face the prospect of relapse - but why would someone choose to take on that stress in getting into a relationship with me?!

Most advice on relationships and cancer seem to be rebuilding intimacy in an existing relationship. The little bits I’ve found online about dating and getting into new relationships is rather bland eg “it’s up to you to decide when to disclose your medical history”’”consider whether to be upfront about your diagnosis or only tell them once you feel comfortable with them””be ready to answer their questions” etc

So my question on this forum is how did YOU meet partners after cancer? How did you get back into the dating scene? What worked for you in developing new relationships? What worked for you in terms of introducing the topic of cancer? How did you discuss your prognosis without scaring them off?

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Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. So much to take in and get your head around.
Your health and getting yourself back on track will be your priority and focus during the next few months.
I am sure dating will be something to look forward to in the future when you have made a recovery. Good luck with your treatment

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Oh @AMLucy thanks so, so much what a brilliant thread to start, I hope it helps yourself and many others on here.
I am looking at it from a different angle I think and thinking of so many other forum members, family and friends I know who’s relationships have continued, or they have met, after a diagnosis of a Blood Cancer or so many other conditions.
I also know of a few people whose relationships have not continued, but relationships also break down every day.
When I was diagnosed I thought that I had my life mapped out in front of me, but now I realise that none of us know what is before the corner and around the corner.
I do realise you have so many issues to consider, like fertility etc.
As for dating again and how do you meet partners, I think my response is that it is in the same way that all your friends do and in my case it is the luck of the draw and being in the right place at the right time and often when you least expect it.
If they do not stick around when you tell them then to be blunt they were certainly not the right person.
Please do not think this is a glib response, it is meant to be a response sent with the best of intentions.
Give yourself time, be very kind to yourself, you have so much going on at the moment.
The Blood Cancer UK support line is also there for you on 0808 2080 888, you can also discuss your feelings with Macmillan Cancer support and Leukaemia Care and please do keep posting xxxxx

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Hi there
So much going on in that mind of yours
For now I would focus all your efforts on your forthcoming transplant. You will need all your energy to get through that first
Once you are recovering and back on your feet maybe that could be the time to think about dating again.
We can have many conversations about what people want don’t want in our heads etc but, we aren’t other people. They can and make their own choices.

There will be others who will journey along with you in all sorts of capacities
There will be people dating who have family members with cancer with an understanding of what your life will entail.
There will be people who avoid anything to do with cancer

Join a cancer support group who knows who you will meet
Join a dating app and be honest in what you want and maybe add in you have cancer they way you will attract those who are drawn to you

For now concentrate on you love you for you and treat yourself to breakfast or coffee and cake. Buy that book you like
Date yourself :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Thank you. Not glib at all.
Unfortunately my fertility test results showed my hormones or whatever are already low, and going through the rigmarole of fertility preservation would result in a low chance of a successful pregnancy. As I don’t know when/if I’ll ever feel up to running after a toddler, and I certainly wouldn’t want to do that alone, my best bet will be to use egg donation if my circumstances magically fall into place.
I’m ok with all of that, but it adds another layer of complexity to find someone else who will be happy with that! I don’t feel like Tinder was made for this!

I guess I’d really like to hear from someone who has found love in a new relationship during or after treatment.

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Hello there @AMLucy, welcome to the forum. I’m really so sorry to read of your diagnosis with Acute myeloid leukaemia (AML), and at such a young age.

Although I was diagnosed with a different rare blood cancer, Polycythaemia vera (PV), mine has the potential for transforming into Acute myeloid leukaemia (AML) so I try to keep abreast of how folks like you get on and treatments you might choose and how those proceed.

Just wanted to say I think how you’re approaching all this is great, no matter how hard it must be right now in the early days since diagnosis. I love that you’re thinking ahead and visualising love in your life—what a great motivation to live through all this! We all need love in ways that suit our needs, and I empathise with much of what you’ve shared. It may not feel brave but confronting your diagnosis and life thereafter so openly I think will stand you in good stead.

Although I was married pre-diagnosis, something that might resonate with others in similar long-term relationships is that it feels like it’s utterly different now a year since. It’s as if the relationship we had before is gone (killed, even) and is being replaced with something more holistic and true to us. Definitely a before and after. It’s been quite a shift for us both in different ways and actually we’ve been having couples therapy to figure out how this ‘new’ relationship might suit us better, or ways we can adapt to improve it. There’s nothing like the threat of death to make you look at things afresh!

So I guess I’m saying it may feel like how could anyone want to commit to a relationship with someone diagnosed with a blood cancer, but actually even those of us in relationships need to start again in some ways, like a renewal. Or at least it feels that way for me.

I’d second dear @2DB and @Erica in saying it won’t be only your romantic relationships that change—sadly some friends and family may also be unable to deal with our diagnoses, and that’s on them to figure out. Dating yourself is so true! Treat yourself, especially around appointment time, I’d say.

Do keep posting @AMLucy, you’ve found just the right place to share how you get on.

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Hi @AMLucy ,

I am 33 and just had my transplant 2 months ago - you have already done a big job with the first 2 chemos and do not hesitate if you have any question for the upcoming steps.

I can’t really help you regarding dating as I ve been in a relationship for a long time but from what I can hear from people we know who had leukemia, it looks like at some point after treatment life feels back to « normal » and you can live a normal live again. (This idea helps me a lot during the though est days)

It might not be right away but maybe give you 1 year to focus fully on the treatment and recovery and then I second the others in being honest about what you have been through when you meet someone. If they don’t stick around, they are probably not worth it anyway.

Sorry I cannot be of better help here but once again, as younger people going through this, do not hesitate to reach out.

Xx

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Hi @Mmepages thanj you for replying. I’m extremely interested to hear of your experiences with a stem cell transplant. How are you doing with it? How easy or hard has it been to follow the rules for eating and cleaning? What have you found unexpectedly difficult? Or perhaps easier than you expected?! Best wishes with your recovery! Lucy

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Hi @AMLucy ,

Obviously everyone’s experience is different (that’s the catch when it comes to “playing” with our immune system as everything can happen or nothing can happen lol), but regarding my stem cell transplant stay this is a few highlights:

  • it was my shortest stay and I stayed less than 4 weeks despite having the strongest protocole available (“‘you are young and fit” they keep saying)
  • I ve been lucky enough that “nothing happened” aka no infection / no temperature
  • It’s the one where I had the most nausea due to the first type of chemo but it lasted only 3-4 days
    -I developed the famous mucosytis (not sure how to write it, I am not native :slight_smile: ) which is I think the only side effect you can really “expect” as most people will get it. The stronger the protocol, the stronger it is. Mine lasted 10 days which was long and I have to admit really annoying as I couldn’t eat / drink at some point (for 2-3 days). Once again, in these times just think that this is only temporary and at some point things will improve. Weirdly enough, it gets back to normal pretty quickly once your neutrophils come back.
    -they gave me a lot of fluid at some point so I looked really bloated from everywhere which was almost funny
    -the actual transplant might seem quite disappointing/underwhelming in the sense that it last around 30-45’ and you don’t feel anything (if you don’t have a reaction but I think it is the case for most people)

Regarding the food, I ve always been a picky eater so I am struggling with that aspect but, to be honest, I think the restrictions are quite similar to the ones for pregnant women ? And you can still eat a lot of different things (even if I have never craved a Caesar salad as much as I have been for the last months). With winter coming it might also be easier not to eat any raw vegetables / berries or sushi’s etc and by next summer I think you should be able to eat a more diversified diet?

From my understanding from the D+100 the doctors might tell you you can reintegrate some things while still being careful of washing them properly etc. Personally I struggle with not being able to do takeaways as I love a good Thai or curry so I am asking quite frequently and for the moment the answer is always no :upside_down_face:. I have high hopes for D+100 on this (btw @Erica if you have any idea?!)

Regarding cleaning, if I have to do it and feel I have enough energy, I wear mask & gloves (my skin became sensitive which was never the case before and I have to hydrate it well almost everyday). If I don’t have the energy, I am lucky enough to have a good support system to help. Do not hesitate to also ask your friends as they might not want to intrude with all the restrictions etc but mine felt privileged to be asked for support when I needed it. I have to say you also spend incredible quality time with the people around you as there is so little distraction around and personally it is a side I didn’t think about but I am actually grateful for.

I am now at D+70 and everything went really well until D+60 but then I caught a bug (probably in my catheter) and had to come back to hospital via A&E and I am still being treated for it. it is apparently quite frequent (consider ourselves like babies when it comes to our new immune system so it will take time to react like the one of an adult) but I hope you’ll be part of the lucky ones who will never have to go back ;-)!

A good advice I received from my sister was to have an “emergency bag” ready with clothes/toiletries to spend 2-3 nights in hospital in case it happened and I am glad I had it ready to go.

Sorry for the extremely long message but I hope it helps you a little bit.

Don’t be too anxious as the medical staff does transplant all the time and they have an answer for everything that could happen.

Also, I tried to have a mindset of “this room is going to be my protective cocoon for the next 6 weeks”’ vs “I am stuck in hospital”. I think the perspective you try to have helps a long way!

Let me know if you have anymore question, I am happy to be able to help a little bit!

Xx

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I have read in newspapers feel good stories about people who have met various partners during the cancer treatments usually a staff member if the stories are to be believed but since these stories are rarely fact checked i don’t know how true they are.A I am presently in hospital having a Stem Cell Transplant,the SC infusion today,for T Cell Lymphoma I’ll let you know when I come out!I have however developed Vitreous Detachment which is a minor eye disease not in the same league as Glaucoma or Macular Degeneration.I think that the chemotherapy triggered it as it happened shortly afterwards with a big floater in the eye.

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Hi @Kevan7 thanks for the update and sorry to hear about the eye condition.
Really look after yourself and please do keep posting

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