Oh @Pcox I am so glad that you have had the courage to access medical and counselling help, please let us know how you get on although give them time, unfortunately they are not instant fixes.
Take so much care
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Hi girls i need a bit off reassurance, im really struggling today , thinking im going to die , i just want to know im going to be ok and something of a good nights sleep . I feel like so stupid. But im going out of my mind. 
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Hi @Pcox Please donât beat yourself up, think that you are going out of your mind or that you are stupid for the way that you are thinking and feeling, I remember having all your thoughts and feelings so vividly 19 yrs ago and I am still here to tell the tale.
I wrote a list for some lovely music to be played at my funeral and I could not look at my son without thinking that I would never be there to see him marry, he is 49yrs old now and still not married!!!
I always think the weekends are the worst times as well.
For me a reasonable nights sleep did come, but it took a time.
In the words of the Mamas and Papas âthe darkest hours are just before dawnâ, your GP might be able to assist in the short term. I find I need to sleep for my brain and body to be able to function better.
I also had to remember that whether I felt like eating or not it is my bodyâs fuel.
Just keep posting how your are and how you are thinking and feeling, better out than in I say.
Just be ever so kind to yourself xx
Hi @Pcox. Iâm really sorry you are feeling so low today. As @Erica said, I to went to worst case scenario a for quite a while after diagnosis so donât give yourself a hard time. Just remember, 19 years on @Erica is still here and enjoying life and 6 years later Iâm still on active monitoring.
I try really hard now not to look up statistics etc as they can be really frightening.
A good nights sleep does take a while to come. For me, thatâs when my mind goes crazy with all of the scary thoughts. Is there anything you can try listening to before bed to try and get you to fall asleep? Audio books helped me. I never got to the end of a book because I had to keep rewinding! 
I really proud of you for sharing with us how you feel. Itâs the best thing you can do as often, we just need to get those thoughts out of our head.
Youâre doing really well, even though it might not feel like it. All your thoughts are valid and are things we have all experienced. Itâs going to take time but youâre get there X
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Thank you ladies, its so good to be able to put down whats in my head and the response is so quick, which gives a sense of relief. Ive got my first bupa phone call in the morning. And my husband has sat and reassured me to. I am trying but it just takes hold off me, then the anxiety sets in .
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Just take each hour at a time if you need to. That really helped me - just thinking about what I was going to do for that time 
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Just go for it @Pcox your Bupa phone call is your time to say what is really going on for you and as @Nichola75 says take each hour as it comes, it helped me too.
Yes, music playing in my ears at night helped me too.
It sounds as if your husbands reassurance has helped too.
You are doing far better than I did I bottled up all my thoughts and feelings till the cork burst out of the bottle and I had a real melt down.
You can tell that I am far better at advising others tan listening to it myself.
Please keep posting and xxx
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@Pcox how are you feeling today? Do you want to give us a call on the support line? The number is 0808 2080 888, weâre here if you need to talk.
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Hi. My youngest brother was diagnosed with follicular lymphoma. During an ultrasound the technician went way past his liver (the reason for his (us) and found an enlarged lymph node the size of a tennis ball coming from the bottom end of his duodenum. 4 weeks later he had 2 4-minute sessions of radiotherapy and after a further 2 weeks he started back to work on increasing light duties and hours till he was fully back to work in 4 weeks. When I asked him what the rush was he said he had finished all the jobs around the house and was bored!!! I explained to him the issues of living into the future with lymphoma and he was fine about active monitoring. He managed to catch Covid when he got back to work (as a police officer) but was couriered antivirals and recovered very quickly. So far he is doing well and has applied for his medical exemption certificate so no more prescription chargesđ. In a way, I think having to have some treatment helped him to put all in place in his mind.
By the way, I have T-LGL, a very rare leukaemia, and in watch and wait. My partner has a form of blood cancer called Essential Thrombocythaemia, one of the MPNs and is on continuous oral chemotherapy.
It is a strange world sometimes.
Take care. Your Haemo Team will see you through.
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Hi @Norwich it certainly is a strange world isnât, you certainly have a lot of blood cancers within your family.
I am sure from your post that you are able to support your brother, and probably partner, with their treatments and emotional impacts, but I wondered who has and is there for you?
Take lots of care of yourselves and please keep posting.
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Itâs a very strange world isnât it. Three different blood cancers in your family. Wow! How are you and your partner doing?
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Hi @Pcox. Been thinking about you. I hope youâre doing ok x
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Hi Nichola i was in hospital on Tuesday wasnt feeling to good. I have worked myself up that much with over thinking things, i had not eaten since it all started. I had a good check over , ecg, bloods all that. And all was normal. I felt better yesterday and did all my cleaning and managed to eat. Then over night last night anxiety has set in again. Trying to get it together and feel and get back to normal .
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Hi @Pcox. Thanks for updating us.
It so important to look after yourself, often the is easier to do physically than emotionally.
I hope the checks have helped to reassure you a little?
Itâs good that kept yourself busy yesterday and that you had a meal. Fatigue is the tough one isnât it!
I hope the session went ok on Monday.
Lymphoma Action do a âLive your Lifeâ workshops for people on active monitoring. May be something to think about.
In the meantime, look after yourself and try to plan something in each day - even if itâs little - it seemed to help yesterday.
Lots of love x
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Hi @Pcox thanks for the update, sorry to hear that you were in hospital on Tuesday however it sounds as if you know what you are doing like over thinking things and not eating properly, I think that is a really good start.
I hope having a really good check over has put your mind at rest a bit. Just remember the words âall was normalâ and perhaps use it as a mantra to combat the anxiety, it works for me if I fill my head with it. However I have to keep saying it!!!
If I lose my appetite I think to myself that food is my fuel, I donât get far in my car if I donât put petrol in it.
Perhaps small steps, you are doing so well.
We are about over the bank holiday weekend so please do let us know how you are doing.
Be ever so kind to yourself, perhaps you are still in shock.
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Hi @Pcox
Iâve just been reading this thread for the first time and was moved to respond as I can hear the overwhelming anxiety in your posts. It feels as if itâs drowning you. Alongside all the wonderful support above I sometimes think it can help to try and stay with one day at a time. (Easier said than done I know). When Iâm stressed or anxious I wake up and assess what I have to do each day and then ask myself what I need that will help me manage. It may be something simple like a hug from a loved one or treating myself to a coffee and cake or even just needing to pull the duvet over my head and cry. I think sometimes anxiety can rob us of the small things we need because by its nature it jumps ahead and scans for threats and âwhat ifâsâ . Anxiety is a response to threat and takes over the whole body and mind, literally. You lose the choice to think rationally or calmly or feel in control. Be honest about what you need and donât be afraid to ask for it.
Sending a virtual bear hug.
Alex
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Some great advice here @AllyBally! Small achievable steps/tasks is definitely the way to go. How are you keeping?
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Hi @Nichola75
Iâm ok thankyou for asking. Always lighter when the sun shines. I have my son home from university this weekend, so I intend to make the most of that and ask for plenty of hugs 
even if he rolls his eyes 
How are you doing too?
Hugs, Alex
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I bet itâs lovely to have him home! My oldest daughter will be going next year and I know Iâll miss her, so yes - get all of those hugs in even if he pulls a face!
The sunshine does make such a difference! All ok here - life is busy isnât it so planning on a relaxing bank holiday.
Enjoy to your weekend X
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You too @Nichola75 âŚand thankyou for the support you give to all of us on here.
You deserve a relaxing weekend. X
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