Thoughts on situation

[RicoR]

Hi.

First of all please do not think bad of me or that I am being selfish.

I need to try and understand how someone feels who has been on a Rituximab infusion.

I’ve been supporting my friend over the last 8 months and they have recently undergone 4 weeks of Rituximab

I care very much for this friend and have been to appointments and treatments with them.

I saw them after their last session and when I left explicitly asked them to keep me updated on how they were feeling. I worry about them and have told them this.

I’ve not heard anything from them for about 5 days and am both upset and concerned.

Now, I know they have been to watch football and to the gym so feel hurt they’ve not been in touch.

I don’t want anyone to think I’m making this about me but for those that have gone through treatment could there be a reason for this other than something be wrong with our friendship.

I’m not sure what to do or how to approach this. I don’t want to cause friction but I also don’t want to be a door mat or convenience friend

Thank you for your advice

Rico

[Spangleystar]

My infusions are not the same but all carry emotional weight, if different physical side effects.

Respectfully @RicoR you are being very intense In explicitly asking them to keep you updated on how they are feeling. They absolutely reserve the right to not think about their illness and treatment and you insisting that they have to keep you updated will likely feel pushy and like you are giving them work to do when all they need to do is recover. Give them some space.

If they are going to other events it’s because it’s helping them feel better. You have made your friend responsible for your worry, that’s not fair, they are going through enough. It’s also not the time to be judging their ability to be a good friend.

It sounds like you could really benefit from some counselling to cope with this and deal with it in your own headspace rather than projecting that there is something wrong with your friendship. Try and be patient your friend will likely be in touch when the intensity has lifted. Why not try the blood cancer support line or Macmillan?

[Ceri_BloodCancerUK]

Hi @RicoR,

It’s clear how much you care about your friend, and eight months of going to appointments and treatments with them is very supportive of you.

I can only speak for myself, but when I was having chemo I really struggled with keeping up with people, even the ones I was closest to. I needed so much rest, and the mental fatigue was made worse by having to communicate. There were times I just didn’t want to have to talk to anyone, and it was never a reflection of how I felt about the person asking. I can’t know what’s going on for your friend, and everyone’s experience of treatment is different, but it’s one possible reason that has nothing to do with your friendship. As @Spangleystar says, the football and the gym may simply be things that help them feel more like themselves.

Something I’ve found helpful is an idea called Ring Theory. Picture the person going through treatment at the centre of a set of rings/circles, with the people closest to them in the next ring, and so on outwards. The rule is ‘comfort in, dump out’ - support goes inwards towards the person in the middle, and your own worry and hurt go outwards, to people further from the centre. Those feelings are real and they need somewhere to go; it just can’t be the person in the middle. Which is why coming here with this was exactly the right thing to do!

If it feels right, one option is a simple message that doesn’t need an answer, something like “thinking of you, no need to reply”. It keeps the door open without asking anything of them. We also have a page on how to support a friend through blood cancer treatment, and the friends and family section has a part on looking after yourself too, because supporting someone takes its toll.

Our Support Line is there for you as well as for your friend, if you’d like to talk any of this through: 0808 2080 888 (option 1) or support@bloodcancer.org.uk.

Keep posting whenever you need to.

Take care,
Ceri - Blood Cancer UK Support Services

[RicoR]

Thank you both very much for your replies it means a lot.

I hope no one thinks bad of me or that I am being selfish as that is not my intention. Perhaps I am struggling more than I’d like to admit.

[Spangleystar]

It’s no judgement on you at all @RicoR it’s a very heavy load to carry when you care so much which is why all the support services absolutely help those connected to as well as those directly affected xx

[Ceri_BloodCancerUK]

Absolutely not - and I really commend you for doing exactly the right thing and ‘dumping out’ on to the forum.

It also takes something to say you might be struggling more than you’d like to admit, and I’m glad you felt able to say it here. Supporting someone through treatment is a lot to carry, and you need somewhere to talk about that too.

You’re always welcome to post on here, however you’re feeling. There are a lot of members with lived experience who can offer perspective, and it gives you a space that’s just for you.

Take care,
Ceri - Blood Cancer UK Support Services

[2DB]

Hi @RicoR
There is nothing wrong with your relationship
You have been a great emotional support through treatment
Our group of friends each come into their own on this journey
One does the treatment
One takes you out for coffee and cake
One takes you to football
One takes you to the gym

I’m guessing you are feeling lost after months of being with your friend and you are no longer needed which isn’t true
You may need to find another role now.
Sometimes it’s nice to see new faces going forward.
Drop your friend a note to say thinking of you even tell them you miss them
Maybe arrange a drive out for a walk or a coffee/cake

You are entering a new normal be patient
Friendships can be picked up whenever
Find yourself something to do too
Maybe volunteer to be hospital transport for your local community

You can self refer for talking therapies so try that

Be kind to yourself and don’t overthink

[RicoR]

Thank you @2DB

It feels like something has changed and I don’t want to bother them but also usually hear from them on a Monday.

I will reach out tomorrow with a gentle message if I haven’t heard anything.

I don’t just want to be the ‘cancer friend’ and worry that is what I’ve become and when he starts to recover he will not want to socialise with me. Perhaps because I am a reminder of this difficult time.

[2DB]

I don’t think that at all
One of my closets friends did the treatment/chemo run and we are still good friends
That changed into going out for coffee
Another of my friends would step in for hospital visits
I shared the load

Until you have a conversation with your friend you will think all sorts of thoughts.
I’m guilty of that

You could message would you like to go out for lunch I miss your company

[RicoR]

I just don’t know how to have the conversation without it sounding like it’s about me or sounding selfish.

What should I say? Sorry to ask & is there a way I can convey my worry when I don’t hear or not? Thank you

[Erica]

Oh @RicoR perhaps you are thinking and trying so hard to do the right thing and perhaps there is not a definitive right answer. Relationships are unique to the 2 people involved.

Perhaps you might have to be in the hands of your friend.

Personally I have sent a message or text to a friend of mine just saying something like ‘just wondering how you are doing, I am here if you need anything’.

When I was in Covid isolation I had a wonderful friend who used to send me silly, funny or sometimes rude cards which perhaps showed me she cared and was there for me.

I have found as a friend sometimes there is a lot of waiting and not knowing, which is very hard. It is so obvious how caring you are and how you are trying so hard to ‘get it right’

Please do look after yourself as well as you are trying to look after your friend @RicoR and keep posting, I reckon here is a good place for you to share your feelings with us on our support forum.

[Spangleystar]

@RicoR please don’t ask your friend how you can convey your worry. Thinking back to @Ceri_BloodCancerUK’s advice about dumping out, find someone else you can convey your worries to.

There is a big difference in emotional load between receiving messages of someone saying they care about you and someone saying they are worried about you. Conveying that you are worried forces them to comfort you, rather than focus on their own healing. Others may disagree but I can’t see any way to convey it without it sounding like it’s about you.

My suggestion if you want some quality time with your friend would be a simple text ‘fancy a coffee and a chat about something, anything, other than cancer? I bet you’re sick of talking about it and I promise I won’t ask!’

It’s important to honour your friendship before cancer got involved, don’t let it be the controlling force xx

[RicoR]

Thank you. I’ll take that on board and not convey worry.

Can I mention concern or would you just steer of that all together. I just want him to know I care for him and when I don’t hear anything I imagine the worst.

Thanks all for your continued support.

[Spangleystar]

I would stop it short at letting them know you care for them, telling them you fear the worst will have the same impact as worry. You will have to find a way to accept their quiet times. They will need their quiet times and should be able to have them without guilt, admin or needing to console someone else.

In most people’s cases cancer isn’t going to take you in a moment, it’s not like a heart attack - if that is what you mean by fearing the worst. It would be worth exploring your fears and triggers with a counsellor to see how you can reduce your anxiety when they don’t message back. Xx

[2DB]

@RicoR
Thinking about this and reading other replies
Your concern I believe is more about your friend not contacting you
He knows how much you care otherwise he would have been alone through treatment
Actions show you care it doesn’t always need words.
Give it a few more days let your friend adjust to a new normal.
I found it difficult to console others so I went on my own to my appointments and treatment

What about sending a gift through the post just signed you nothing else

[Erica]

Hi @RicoR I agree with @Spangleystar

[RicoR]

Thank you all for your advice

[GenesisDevice]

Hello @RicoR

Thank you for taking time to send your post into the forum, and apologies for not responding sooner.

My heart goes out to you as this must be so difficult a situation, none the less thank you for reaching out.

I took a moment to read through all the replies you’ve had above, and I wanted to put some of my own thoughts on here in the hope that they help you further.

Clearly, things have been difficult for you and your friend, cancer is unkind and hurts us all in so many ways.

I have a rather unique circumstance, as cancer has impacted on my family and I in four ways. I lost my dad to cancer in the late 90’s, my wife had cancer (now fully recovered) about 10 years ago, I lost a great colleague to cancer just over 2 years ago, and I became a Chronic lymphocytic leukaemia ('CLL') patient as of April 2025.

Each circumstance brought its own set of challenges and as a number of people have said, there is no single correct way to handle everything. People are unique, our feelings are unique and our relationships with each other are also unique.

Personally, in each of the above situations, I felt powerless to do anything. For me that’s key, and I wanted to be empowered again. You might want to ask your friend what they would like to do, e.g. have a coffee day each week (I have what I call ‘Coffee Tuesdays’ (its a long story)) but it gives the week some structure, something I can look forward to and rely on. But don’t worry if they cant do every week. Empower them and help them by being there for them when it is good for them.

Please don’t worry if your friend is quiet. Everyone I’ve known who has been affected by cancer had their quiet times when being with themselves is all they wanted to do.

Please be strong for your friend and for you, and please do feel free to post on the forum as sharing your thoughts and feelings is very powerful and I hope you have found comfort and strength from the replies you’ve had.

Kind regards

Mike

[RicoR]

Thank you @GenesisDevice and I’m so sorry to hear how much cancer has affected you and your family.

It’s a horrible illness & often very cruel.

I’ve felt very sad and upset this weekend, thinking of my friend. He’s had his first cycle of treatment and is now waiting for a scan. There seems to be a lot of waiting around and this can lead to overthinking. I’m trying to see him once a week and either go for some lunch, or a look round the shops. He seems to have handled the treatment but I’m not naive to think he is putting on a very brave face.

Thanks all for listening/reading. I know there are people actually suffering with cancer on this forum so I hope no one thinks I’m trying to detract from their pain or fight, I just don’t know where else to let my emotions out. Im trying not to let my friend see how much it’s hurting me.

Take care all.

[Ceri_BloodCancerUK]

Hi @RicoR,

Please don’t worry about taking anything away from anyone here. The forum is for everyone affected by blood cancer, and that very much includes the friends and family standing alongside someone through it. Plenty of members who are having treatment themselves have been in this thread offering support and advice, which says a lot.

It sounds like a hard weekend, but the lunch and a wander round the shops once a week sounds like a really lovely, ordinary thing to be giving your friend right now.

Keeping how much it’s hurting from your friend is exactly the “comfort in, dump out” idea in action, but it does mean those feelings need a home somewhere else, so I’m glad you’re letting them out here. We have a page on looking after yourself when someone you love has blood cancer that you might find useful. If there’s a Maggie’s centre near the hospital where your friend is treated, it might also be worth giving them a call. They’re there for friends and family as well as patients, and you can usually just drop in - but worth doing a bit of research first.

Keep posting whenever you need to.

Take care,
Ceri - Blood Cancer UK