Oh @Spangleystar the memories came whizzing back to me as I read your post as if it were yesterday too.
I was part of the support services on the 7th July and after and yes, it was 21 yrs ago.
I will never forget what I saw and heard from survivors either, absolutely horrific.
I also remember having to go on public transport on the following days and the anxiety if I saw a rucksack.
I think our thoughts and feelings are completely natural, a form of PTSD and perhaps counselling at the time might of helped me. However the thoughts and feelings from when I was diagnosed 22 yrs ago come whizzing back as if it were yesterday too.
Take lots of care you have a medical team that will get you through this time, I reckon ask for help and tell them of your anxieties and practicalities and keep posting
Thanks my lovely @Byrnebaby. Thankfully I don’t dream about it anymore, and avoid crowds so I don’t get triggered, but it did try and get on my mind when I was in hospital because I was feeling vulnerable and close to where it had all happened. It wasn’t my time then, I just needed the lessons xx
Oh bless you @Erica that must have been exceptionally difficult. I’m glad not to have witnessed anything, given close proximity was enough to stay with me all these years!
I walked from Waterloo to St Paul’s after that, so so aware of everything around me. My husband jokes I’d make an excellent detective because I’m now super observant
Xx
@Byrnebaby that does sound yucky, perhaps it’s not every day? But only if you’re losing weight too quickly? My weight was checked daily, I lost 3kg in 2 weeks but given that was all additional treatment weight in the first place I wasn’t worried xx
Seems to be there standard but never mind! Haha, woke up with a different head on today and it’s just something I have to get through, and will never have to endure again! Anyways lil how are you feeling today? Are you eating and drinking a bit better and resting up? Weather is a lot more comfortable isnt it @Spangleystar
@Duncan yes it’s been a pretty traumatic time now that I’m off meds and able to look back over the last 7 months! I don’t know how I’ve made it my ‘big’ plan was to get to The Christie get it done, close the door on my ‘hotel’ room and just breath and sob my heart out, for all I’d endured ( dramatic, I know!) but I don’t feel I need to do that now, I want to go in knowing whats coming (control freak)!and get through each day , hubby is wonderful, he does give me a reality check and keeps me grounded, I worry more how he will be for my time away, more than me, as I’ll be in the right Place and being looked after, hope you are keeping ok?
Yes in the outdoor gigs, TT are outside but maybe too many people for a while, Dan kidnapped me last year to go to see Snow Patrol at Delamere Forest last year, so the aim is to now go there and see someone next year x
@DuncanB thanks Duncan, oh believe me I’m motivated to keep it as short as possible I’m giving myself!3 weeks, if I’m out earlier bonus! If not, I’m in the right place to be x
Yes I still have bouts of nausea, eggs and the steam from the dishwasher I’m finding the most triggering (any excuse hey ) but in general I’m eating 3 small meals a day and snacking on nuts and fruit. Water still tastes rank though and stoll can’t do hot drinks. I suggest you take in some cartons of flavoured drink ti keep in your fridge (I couldn’t even cope with cordial!) I had strawberry Ribena and Capri-Sun they got me through.
The other thing is ask for the saliva spray as soon as you feel dry mouth, I didn’t hear about it for several days and it massively helped when I got it
In general every day is a step forward, although some days I am more foggy and tired than others xx
At that time I was Director of Finance at a hospital in Surrey. Part of the Director role is that you have to be on call every 5 weeks for 7 consecutive days. Basically it meant that you were in charge of the hospital, primarily out of hours.
The day of 7/7 was one of my on call weeks which meant I got the call to put in place our Major Incident Plan.
It was amazing to see everyone pull together and work in teams to make as many beds as possible available so that we could be ready to receive as many patients as needed.
In the end we didn’t receive any patients but that day I saw the NHS at its very best.
Oh @Spangleystar I’m really sorry to read how those horrible memories got stuck, sounds very much like how some can replay on repeat when we’ve been traumatised by an experience. Very understandably so, as you were having such a sensory overload too with the sounds, shoving, the physicality of it all. I’m really glad you missed that earlier bus!!!
It’s so rubbish it’s affected you since, but trauma can tend to get lodged in the memories of unusual experiences we have. I don’t say this flippantly and trust you’d tell me to mind my own, but it’s never too late to work through traumatic memories with the right treatment. I had a lot of EMDR and somatic therapy and would highly recommend those for shifting old stuck memories. Anyway, I’m sure you don’t want me reminding you further today!
Dear @Erica, I’m also really sorry to read of your vile experiences on that day and its aftermath. I’d say the same to you as @Spangleystar—it’s never too late to have a look at difficult memories with the support of the right specialist, although I appreciate that adding another -ologist or 2 might feel excessive! In some ways I wish I’d had EMDR sooner, but I’m glad I eventually did and try to sing its praises as it’s still not commonly offered.
I remember that day weirdly clearly too, although not as first-hand as you both. One of my colleagues at the time trained near Russell Square and had gone up to London that day, but thankfully was delayed due to typical public transport issues. Thank goodness for running late sometimes is all I can say!
Hey lovely @Byrnebaby - checking in! Zero to report my side, but wanted to see how you were with around a week and a half to go. I hope you’ve managed to make the most of your freedom and are still in a good place xx
PS TV recommendations- Iplayer Two weeks in August and C4 TipToe xx
Good morning lil happy to see you are still shining bright, and thinking of me, while going through your own recovery
I’m ok thanks, up and down really, I’m actually reaching a stage where it’s not constantly on my mind (which I never thought would happen) then it races in again, you know this stage xx
I’ve actually gone into lockdown mode, saw the kids for last hugs at the weekend
I’m just getting out for walks, weather permitting and seeing consultant on the 10th to sign papers and bloods etc, also to pick up a special body wash and nasal ointment?
How are YOU doing really? Are you seeing any improvements or still I bet it lovely to be back with your family x
I’ve got my lint roller! Anything else you wouldn’t have been without while in?
Ohh I’ll put those tv recommendations on my list, of you and in fact your kids like something a bit fun but engrossing I’d highly recommend RESIDENT ALIEN , also maybe MATLOCK with Kathy Bates that’s more for you though x
I really hope you are getting better every day @Spangleystar
Well I am honestly feeling ok in my head - am still so tired, but the really annoying thing is that I don’t seem to be catching up on my sleep. Using my oura ring for tracking and I still have a 5.5 hour sleep debt and my ‘readiness’ is decreasing daily not increasing. So I’m taking the data on board and realising I may be doing too much too soon in my bid to get back to fitness. I plan to do very little today even the whites can wait until tomorrow!
Oh I love Kathy Bates in Matlock not as much as I love her in Misery but I think that says more about me than her will check the other one out thanks
I’m glad you are able to get some mental relief it’s a tricky time, please know I’m here (along with the rest of this dream team) throughout and you can msg anytime - highs and lows. Want to be virtually right beside you as you were for me xx
Didn’t have any nasal spray or body wash ahead of admission. They did give me a body wash in hospital because my feet had dried up. I didn’t use it though because it was paraffin based and I only ever use natural products, so I got some foot cream sent in.
The one thing I wished I had taken in (and got it sent to me) was my electric toothbrush. I followed the script and bought a soft manual one and only took that in - but it was freaking me out that it didn’t feel as good a clean. I used my electric toothbrush from around day 5 didn’t have any issues with bleeding gums etc and it helped me feel more like me again.
Don’t forget even though you’re choosing no visitors, people can post things in for you. In fact I have a couple of things I’d like to send you (now that Royal Mail do home collection it’s possible too!) when you get in and get your room number I’ll post, only if you’re comfortable with that of course and 100% no offence taken if you’re not xx
You are always so kind and thinking of others , keep shining bright but put more of that bright energy into recovering and definitely leave those whites today! Even stardust has its limits you know! @Spangleystar
It’s eye-opening how these hospitals all have different procedures isnt it? I’m glad I’m being admitted as it saves a day with having Hickman/melaphalan the same day, instead of other 2 days x I’m trying to sort a playlist for cell return time, so maybe we coukd declare open season on the Friday jukebox and take on suggestions?
I totally get where you are coming from with the toothbrush! I’ve ditched my electric for the moment to get used to the softer one and it’s awful!! So I will probably take both now x
Haha Misery is fabulous! She is a great actress indeed
That’s so very kind of you @Spangleystar i will definitely let you know my new hotels number and address xx
This is what I’m going to struggle with! Haha xx I thought it was going to be like recovering my hysterectomy, but I think it may be a bit slower xx we’ll do it @Spangleystar xx
but never mind! Haha, woke up with a different head on today 
and it’s just something I have to get through, and will never have to endure again! Anyways lil 
my ‘big’ plan was to get to The Christie get it done, close the door on my ‘hotel’ room and just breath and sob my heart out, for all I’d endured ( dramatic, I know!
) but I don’t feel I need to do that now, I want to go in knowing whats coming (control freak)!and get through each day , hubby is wonderful, he does give me a reality check and keeps me grounded, I worry more how he will be for my time away, more than me, as I’ll be in the right Place and being looked after, hope you are keeping ok?
) but in general I’m eating 3 small meals a day and snacking on nuts and fruit. Water still tastes rank though and stoll can’t do hot drinks. I suggest you take in some cartons of flavoured drink ti keep in your fridge (I couldn’t even cope with cordial!) I had strawberry Ribena and Capri-Sun they got me through.
I bet it lovely to be back with your family x
so maybe we coukd declare open season on the Friday jukebox and take on suggestions?