Hi there
My first time posting on here. Sadly, my dad is losing his battle with lymphoma. He has B cell lymphoma and it’s very aggressive he was diagnosed in October 2023. Dad has had a rough ride with chemo, radiotherapy, car T therapy and then recently biospecific injections which he’s failed all treatments. I am struggling to come to term with the fact my dad is now terminal and doesn’t have long left to live we’ve been told it could be weeks or months but will happen quickly due to the nature of his cancer. Dad thinks he has months left we haven’t had the heart to tell him it could be weeks as he’s devistated and fragile mentally at the moment. We were told the news on New Year’s Eve last week although we’ve known he has deteriorated for some time now, I still can’t come to terms with the fact he won’t be here soon and that this is the hand of cards he has been dealt in life. My dad is 65 years old and before diagnosis was very fit running lots of runs and a very healthy 65-year-old. It just seems so unfair. None of the treatments have worked for him and his cancer is so aggressive, he has told us that he doesn’t want to die in a hospice and has asked my mum to care for him at home she has been carer for the past year or more during this and has been off work now for 4 months nearly to support him. This is also causing a lot of stress for my mum and myself and my partner the fact dad isn’t considering a hospice might be best placed for him as his pain can be unmanageable at times. My mum doesn’t have a support network here only me and my partner and we both work full-time which has been impossible at times during all of this. I also have to manage my own health conditions which aren’t easy to manage and I’m often exhausted and unwell myself. I help my mum as much as I can but with my dad wanting to die at home now - this is putting additional stress on us that although it sounds selfish - I don’t mean it to be that way it is just very difficult to manage at the moment and dad is adamant he is not going to a hospice. At the moment we have to respect his wishes until the time comes if he gets worse then he might need to go in at a later stage to the hospice when my mum doesn’t cope anymore with the caring responsibilities. My dad has always been a proud man, but he’s also very stubborn and selfish when he first got diagnosed with the lymphoma he left his symptoms for a long time when complaining about pain in his stomach and made a joke about it. He never took it serious and left it for a long time even during his treatments and appointments at hospital he’s refused to go to hospital when he needed to be inpatient and left it till the last minute when he got even worse he would also tell the consultant he felt great when he didn’t and he had bad pain he was hiding. I always wonder if he had caught it early and been more honest with the drs during this battle, Would we still be in this position now? Is there anyway at all I can cope with what is going on better and try and support my mum more than I have been trying to. My mental health has taken a real knock with all of this and I cry often at night thinking about my poor dad and what he’s going through, as that’s when I get most upset when I think about everything before I go to sleep. My brother lives in the other side of the world abroad and we are in the UK, so he hasn’t been able help to help us, it has fallen to me and my partner to support my parents. My mum is desperate for more support from the wider family and my partner and I have really tried our best throughout to a point now where it has made me really unwell needing hospital appointments myself for my flare ups of my health conditions. I even tried to get my Dad clinical trials after his bad news last week about him being terminal and wrote to his consultant but my dad wasn’t happy about this, He was annoyed at me. I consulted his consultant but looking at this stage we are at now and how my dad is looking, he really isn’t well enough for any further treatment and he said he is tired and had enough of treatments sadly. Has anyone lost their dad or mum or recently lost their parent and found ways to cope during this awful time. I know the worst is yet to come with the dying process and I am worried about this especially if he dies at home as this could be quite painful to watch and traumatic I don’t think I’d be able to cope with seeing that and I have bad anxiety as it is with all of this. If he had been in a hospice things would’ve been a lot more manageable. My mum is struggling to manage his pain at home and he is refusing to go to the hospice for an assessment to get his pain under control. It will be quite like this until he isn’t here anymore. Any ways you can think of that might help me cope and better and to help manage my mental health during this awful time would be so appreciated. I really love my dad and it’s really awful to see him going through this, cancer has really destroyed his life and all of our lives also and it’s so sad to see the person that’s your parent be worn down by an illness like this and there’s nothing you and you can visibly see the decline on them every day. Thanks for reading and I hope that others going through the same can get through it with strength and sending love to everyone who is going through this situation at the moment it truly is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.
Hi there, i absolutely could not read this and not reply. Firstly, im so very sorry for the situation you are in and all thr obvious stress and pressure that comes with anticipated loss. And thr fact that added emotions etc come with the loss itself.
I have been there in 2022/23 when my lovely dad was ill, needing much support and then when he was dying. He too wanted to die at home and this is what happened for him. All the stress, upset, caring, fuss, every last bit of it was worth it to give him the death he wanted. I have no regrets, other than wishing none of it had happened to begin with of course.
I moved back home from Scotland to Ireland during much of this time to be fully there for both ny parents and to advocate for them. It was v hard. My dad went from an independent man managing it all to needing me for everything. Whilst i was there, my hubby with blood cancer was here looking after our family and i have never felt so pulled in so many directions. It was the hardest time of my life.
But i gave my dad all he needed, wanted and deserved. Right up to his death at home with those he loved. Im the baby of my family so it was such a different way of leading everyone. The caring for him during the dying process was grim and awful but it was, genuinely, a huge privilege to walk with him to that point as he asked me to. We had support from Marie Curie for the last 10 days as well as district nurses and they nade thr staying home possible. Do make enquiries sooner rather than later as to how they all work in your area.
I will never forget, or regret, what had to be endured during this time. I am still healing from it 18mths on, and think therell always be a bit that stays broken. But hes worth it. I support my mum now a lot so that pressure and responsibility remains.
No words of wisdom, but ive walked a similar path and if you ever want to message, type my name and ill respond. Its the loneliest path but you are not alone. You are doing a wonderful job and your best, thats all that’s needed. And your best is different every day. With my best wishes, jude
Thank you for replying I really appreciate it. It’s such a horrible and difficult time and it sounds like from your message you’ve been there exactly as I am now. It is such a difficult thing to go through and unless you’ve been through it yourself very hard for people to understand so I appreciate your time in replying. I just wish it was easier, he might still go to the hospice near the end but at the moment dad is adamant he’s staying at home no matter what pressure or strain that puts on me and my mum. I am not well enough to do night shifts when he worsens as I have health conditions myself so it’s really difficult. My poor mum is really struggling too and the mental scars of seeing her husband die in her home will not be good for her long term as she has to go back to work at some point. It’s such a horrible struggle 
Hi @Kerlst I have replied to your other post.
@judesadventures has shared her experiences for you.
Be very, very kind to yourselves xx