Sorry, the title isn’t really what I want to say but it will have to do. My husband died back in October, from Sezary Syndrome. Although not unexpected it was, when it happened, very sudden, and a great shock. Here’s what I’d wish we’d said to each other when he was first diagnosed; it applies to any couple when one is diagnosed with a life-limiting illness. So, with the gift of hindsight, here’s what I wish I’d said to him when we stood clinging on to each other in our garden, a couple of days after his diagnosis:
“This is going to be really tough. Neither of us is perfect. I know I’ll make big mistakes; I know I’ll sometimes behave selfishly; I know sometimes I’ll not notice how ill you are feeling. I’m not a saint. I expect you’ll behave like an ordinary, fallible bloke, too, and sometimes like a really scared one. Let’s agree to forgive each other and ourselves right now, and to keep on forgiving each other, and ourselves, and just do what we can for each other for as long as we can. And I promise, I won’t mind if you tell me if I’m being a selfish cow. I love you.”
If you have to have a conversation like this, then I hope you’ll remember some of this. I shan’t be coming back to the forum, so will say goodbye- with love to all of you who find yourselves having to think about this, ChrisD
Hi @ChrisD, firstly I am so sorry to hear that your husband died in October, I am sure it was made harder being in Covid times.
I was so touched by your words that you wish you had said to each other.
Your words will stay with me don’t you worry.
You say that you won’t be coming back to this forum, you are part of our blood cancer family and we are here for you if you would like us to be. Also you can contact the Support Services Team on 0808 2080 888 (10am-7pm Monday-Friday, and 10am-1pm Saturday and Sunday) or via email at support@bloodcancer.org.uk if you would like to talk to someone.
Thank you for this thought-provoking, poignant, beautifully written post.
Take care and stay safe.
Hi @ChrisD. I’m very sorry for your loss. It must have been really tough for you. I’m so impressed by your perspective on life and you’re absolutely right. When someone has a life threatening illness, it puts everything into perspective and you remember what’s most important. I know that was the case with me. The waters have become a bit muddied by Covid but the principle is still there. All my very best wishes.
However, I would like to say that was a very brave ‘Post’ to write, and I suspect your words will resonate with many.
I completely agree with you, as I am going through similar circumstances at the moment. You were fortunate in that it sounds like both you and your husband decided to forget unpleasant parts of the past, and concentrate in making life as good and carefree as is possible.
You may never read this but thank you for highlighting an issue that many live through, but never talk about.
Yes @Vindicatrix isn’t it such a poignant post, I will copy it to @ChrisD in case they pick it up and read your post.
It is a very brave post and you are also brave responding to it.
It has certainly made me think too.
Look after yourself
Hello, Ron. As you see, I’m back. Can’t keep away I’m back because I am looking for somewhere to put my husband’s experiences on record, if I can. Thank you for replying to my post. I am four years on from his death and still floundering. I look back with a mixture of enormous sadness but some weary anger, too. It is nearly a year since your post so I hope you and your loved one (if I understand the implications of your post) are surviving to read this.
Oh @ChrisD thank you so much for posting again your so honest post.
I think it is very natural to still have enormous sadness mixed with weary anger, I think grieving is absolutely exhausting and weary anger so natural.
Perhaps you might think about some talking therapy via Macmillan Cancer Care or local bereavement therapy perhaps via your GP.
The Blood Cancer UK support line is there for you on 0808 2080 888.
Please do use us as well, I have missed you as you have such personal insight.
Be ever so kind to yourself
I’m back because I am looking for somewhere to put my husband’s experiences on record, if I can. Thank you for replying to my post. I am four years on from his death and still floundering. I look back with a mixture of enormous sadness but some weary anger, too. It is nearly a year since your post so I hope you and your loved one (if I understand the implications of your post) are surviving to read this.