It’s Grief Awareness Week 2-8 Dec 2020 and also this Christmas and New Year time of the year that really brings back my feelings of great sadness, grief and loss of loved ones.
In the media it is all happy families and celebrations and I just don’t feel like that, I want to shout or throw something at the TV and say ‘that is not what it is like for me’. I sometimes feel very lonely and isolated in my grief (especially this year) and out of sync with the rest of the world.
I realise it is just another ‘anniversary’ along with birthdays etc. and those always are the worst for me. I retreat into myself and my thoughts and feelings, it is as if the loss were yesterday again.
In the past I have had specialist bereavement counselling and used forums, helplines and support lines all of which I have found very helpful to work through the (never ending) process of grief and loss and to realise that I was not alone in having the thoughts and feelings I had and have.
I am also feeling the loss of personal interactions and hugs this year.
I think I will need the support of this forum and the comfort of knowing the support line is there if I need to talk on 0808 2080 888 (10am-7pm Monday-Friday, and 10am-1pm Saturday and Sunday) or via email at support@bloodcancer.org.uk.
Does this make sense to anyone out there or are there any other views or tips?
Hello @Erica. Thank you so much for sharing and for your openness and honesty. I identify so much with the feelings you are expressing and it seems heightened by the COVID situation this year. To me it is like all the ‘losses’ pile up, one on top of the other which makes the burden heavier. I think my diagnosis is a ‘loss’ too as it took away the life that I knew and I have had to adjust to a different unplanned life. Have you heard of the analogy of the ball in the box for loss and grief? There is a ball bouncing around in a box and every so often it hits the pain button and the pain is intense. Gradually over time, the ball gets smaller and doesn’t hit the pain button so often. The ball never disappears but the intensity of the pain isn’t felt so frequently. Obviously anniversaries of any kind would probably be a time when the ball does hit the pain button! Hope this helps and makes sense. Warm wishes. Willow
Thanks so much @Willow, I relate so much to everything you say and yes, the Covid situation has heightened my emotions since March and are certainly heightening my grief and losses, including my diagnosis.
I hadn’t heard about the’ ball in the box’ before but it makes perfect sense and I love things I can see in my mind.
Thanks @Willow, you have helped me so much.
I hope to hear other peoples thoughts.
It’s a hard time for many and Christmas just highlights a bereavement. I miss my dad…he embodied Christmas. I think this year i could have done with his spirit. You come to terms with your loss but you never ever forget.
There will be many people like that this year facing Christmas without a loved one. Tough time for many…
Christmas is often a lonelier time as you get older and you lose more and more people. My mom died in October 2018 but because of my chemo we couldn’t find a week to hold to the funeral until December so both Christmas and my birthday will forever be associated with the funeral. My family also insisted that we all go out for a meal for my 50th birthday the day after the funeral as they my mom had talked about how she wanted to pay for a meal for everyone for my 50th birthday as she had with all of her other children. I wasn’t much in the mood for going our for a meal or celebrating my birthday but my sister found £1000 in cash in my mom’s drawer and used that to pay for the meal and giver her her wish of paying for my meal.
Gosh @Franko, yes, I expect Christmas and your birthday will always be difficult times for you but extra specially this year, it is so long since you have seen your family. We are here for you so please let us support you.
How absolutely lovely that your mom put the money away for your 50th birthday meal but so sad that she wasn’t there.
I have a birthday early into the new year and I refuse to take the decorations down till after it as I have memories of a birthday 50 yrs ago that still haunt me and tarnish my day.
Take care and stay safe.
Hi Erica, I am so sorry you are going through this and please don’t feel you are on your own. We are here to support you and talk, if you wish. Christmas is always ‘the time’ when we miss those we’ve lost. It’s especially sad this year with so many people being separated from family and friends who might normally help us through these sad memories.
You are not on your own thinking the things you have said, I’ve been tearful since Saturday when I found out that Peter’s home have another case of Covid and so won’t be open now until January ( providing no one else gets it).
If you want to talk you can email me ( I think you have the address). Believe me, you are not on your own, we’re here.
Vivien xxx
Hi Vivian, Grief and loss are so interwound and you have certainly had so much loss, on so many levels, with Peter this year.
I think it goes back to childhood and sensing the stress around.
I get so cross and upset about this happy families image in the media.
Aren’t we lucky to have families within families with Blood Cancer UK support.
Yes, thanks, I have your details and you have mine. Take care and stay safe.
My thoughts and every good wish are with all who have posted in the last couple of days on this topic. I’d like you to know that we hear you and that it is always okay to not be okay.
I haven’t been okay the last few days and I’ve had to tell myself that’s okay for me too. I lost my best friend earlier this year at the age of 44 and my dad has been diagnosed with cancer and he and my mum have to go through it all alone as we aren’t allowed to travel or visit Northern Ireland. feels a bit like everything is wrong with this world just now. And it kinda is this year. We will be in the ‘wrong’ place without the ‘right’ people but hanging on tight to all that’s good.
We watched a movie last weekend that my friend and I loved and I was nearly hysterical by the end of it - wanted to call her and have a laugh but couldn’t. All I could do was reach out to her husband and young son with a wee memory to make us all laugh. But these days too shall pass and it’ll feel less hard I hope for us all. Till then, you have a friend in me and a safe place here. Take good care folks x
Oh, @judesadventures, you illustrate so well how a movie can really re-trigger a memory and your grief.
It must be so, so challenging being across the sea from your parents, so many mixed emotions and feelings of helplessness, they have obviously looked after you for years and now you want to look after them.
Yes, so many of us will be in the ‘wrong’ place without the ‘right’ people now and and for this year and having such natural heightened emotions and triggers.
We will all be supporting each other through the holiday period and beyond on this forum.
Does anyone else feel these feelings and triggers?
I’m so sorry to hear what happened to your best friend earlier in the year and of your dad’s diagnosis. And I can imagine that the movie you watched that weekend will always hold a special meaning for you, and what a heart-warming way to share positive memories with her family. I’m sure this meant so much to them.
I hope you’re okay Jude? Please do keep reaching out on here, we can completely appreciate the current situation of the pandemic only adds to how hard this must be.
Look after yourself Jude and we’re all here for you
And @Erica it’s such a good question you ask about triggers, it can be so helpful to talk this through and help people make sense of how they’re feel. We do really encourage people to continue to use this thread, Grief Awareness week may have finished on Dec 8th, but the support will always be here.