I am very much aware of having several bereavements recently

I am very much aware of having several bereavements recently, a relative, a school friend, a good friend and some people with blood cancer, that I had never met in person.
It is very interesting how I have felt differently about each bereavement.
I did not have much of a reaction to my relative dying as I had only ever seen her a couple of times.
The school friend brought up feelings of survivors guilt, why her and not me, she had been so healthy, she also brought up feelings of my mortality as she was the same age as me.
My good friend dying really affected me and brought up a range of emotions including great sadness and loss.
The people with blood cancer really brought up a range of thoughts and emotions. Anybody with blood cancer dying really hits me emotionally, even if I have never met them, I think about them and they bring up strong feelings of survivors guilt and a real feeling of sadness for them and their families.
I am left with these feeling to process as I am self isolating in my home, but I am lucky that I have support I can turn to and friends I can share with.
I am very aware others might not have that support so please share here on our supportive forum.


Hi @Erica

As always another great post and so sorry for all your recent losses.

Growing up nothing really scared me than dying. I think that stemmed from me wanting to achieve and do so much; getting a job and being really good at it, falling in love, getting married and eventually having kids… but when my sister was diagnosed with cancer and in a short space of time it took her from us… I don’t think still after 8 years that I have properly overcome the grief and loss. Her experience was really my first experience of cancer and the damage it can cause with me being so close to her and by her side throughout made me see how it effected people diagnosed and those supporting someone with cancer physically, mentally and emotionally. Holding her hand when she took her last breathe I think did something to me about how I feel about death and how a cope with bereavement. Since she died, I’ve had many other friends and family pass away as well as anything that’s on the news, and I just go numb. Sometimes I feel so guilty that when I hear the news I just don’t feel anything; like I’ve removed that emotion and reaction from my brain. Other times I think about the perspective of the person who died and how they felt (thinking back to what my sister went through) or how the family are coping (thinking back to how as a family how we coped) and that draws my attachment and connection to the person and family of whom has passed.

With me having cancer myself and having a pretty strong heart attack whereby not doing what I did I wouldn’t be here to write this, I feel like I’m managing both sides. Im going out my way for my cancer to be mine and be in control of what is best for me physically, emotionally and mentally as well as protecting others around me. I don’t think my cancer or heart attack has given me a sense of appreciation of life or seizing the moment or acknowledging life is too short… I think the only thing that bumps me is knowledge that you are powerless to bad things happening and we can only control so much. The only thing we can control is how we cope and adjust.


Wow, @Rammie18 I really admire your honesty, insight and clarity in writing.
Your sister must have been such a very special person and so lucky to have such a very caring brother as you.
I hadn’t thought about the media, sometimes it reports on mass deaths in other countries and after immediate shock and sadness I sort of go numb, but if a pop star of about my age or younger dies if can really affect me for a longer time, it’s not logical, but true.
Actually I don’t think I ever grieved my parents dying about 40 yrs ago, it was the first close deaths I had and I don’t think I knew about grieving because I came from a very stiff upper lift family, how times have changed.
Yes, we only have today to make the most of.

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