A news item about a widow who had had to go to court to access money after her partner died got me thinking. Perhaps because I had come so near to death before I was finally diagnosed it made me think about how I needed to make sure that my family didn’t have to deal with extra problems. The wills were updated, I sent clothes to charity shops, sorted through the things collected over the years, and sadly parted with many things that had been tucked away for years. Many tears (happy and sad) were shared.
We also talked about my funeral wishes, which ended up with us in hysterics, especially as I had seen a funeral in Venice nearly 20 years ago where the hearse was a motor boat dressed in black, and I just thought it was so special. We found talking about death made it less scary.
I wonder if other people talked about a future without a partner or family member? What sort of things did you plan/discuss? Did you feel that if you talked about these things you were giving up?
Hi Louise, your post was so apt to me, after my diagnosis I also updated my will, funeral and bequests. My next important priority was to collate my funeral and wake music:
Singles:
|Seasons in the Sun - Westlife|
|Morning has broken| - The very best of Cat Stevens|
|Albatross - Fleetwood Mac
|Everywhere - Fleetwood Mac
|Nights in White Satin - Moody Blues
|Live the Life - Rod Stewart
|Pure love - Rod Stewart
|Time - Freddy Mercury
|These are the days of our lives - Queen
|Heaven for everyone - Queen
|The first cut is the deepest - Rod Stewart
|Let it grow - Eric Clapton
|Three times a Lady - Lionel Richie
|Angels - Robbie Williams
|The Living years - Mike and the Mechanics
|Tonight I celebrate my love for you - Roberta Flack
|Days - The Kinks
|Wonderful tonight - Eric Clapton
|A whiter shade of pale - Procul Harem
Albums:
|All Because - Various Artists
|Westlife - Westlife
|The very best of Cat Stevens - Cat Stevens
|The very best of Eva Cassidy - Eva Cassady
|Carpenters Gold - The Carpenters
|The best of Roberta Flack - Roberta Flack
|Johnny Mathis the love songs - Johnny Matthis
I said I want to be cremated in a lovely long black dress I had many years ago, if someone can actually get me into it now. I want my old bald teddy with me, who is as old as me, and my Walkman on playing music !!!
Yes, I also de-cluttered everything I could think of. I photo’d my jewellery and said who I wanted to have it, which was all of sentimental value only. I wrote on the back of all photos and put them in albums so someone knew who they were of.
We are a small family, I have a husband and son, who both highly disinterested, but thought I was mad and just humoured me. I fear when I depart this world, apart from my bequests, my worldly goods will end up on a council tip somewhere !!!
I don’t think they thought I was giving up, but just organising ahead, as usual.
I said I do not want flowers when I go but donations to Bloodwise.
Thanks for this post it did not depress me, but it gave me a good chuckle.
We’ve done this but at the age of 45, I’ll confess there were no laughs during the conversations. I found that listening to those deepest fears and things that scared my husband were one of the greatest gifts I could give him. I could take those fears, those tears and those words and promise that I’d do as he wished. I underestimated the toll they took on me though -another part of becoming invisible when loving someone with cancer.
I think being younger and having thought we had yrs left as a couple, as a family and as Parents meant these were such difficult chats. They took on such a significance as I’d be responsible for carrying out the wishes whilst trying to comfort our young son.
It hasn’t happened yet- it’s nearly all in order for when it does. Just the music to pick!
Hi Jude, I cannot imagine what you both went through and as you say just listening is the greatest gift you can give someone. I often wonder what it is really like for you being the strong, coper. Who have you got to listen to all your inner most thoughts, feelings, fears and anxieties? Perhaps your fellow ambassadors can be there for you, I am, take care.
@Erica There are some great tracks there. My first thought was 'Crikey, that is going to be a long service until I realised that you had included Wake music too. Think the Walkman will be banned…exploding batteries are not a good idea 
My parents live in a 4 bedroomed house with loads of stuff. I told them that they need to sort through and get rid of some. When my dad said that me and my sister could do it I said that we would get house clearance in. He did not like that! I cannot manage my own cleaning etc, and my sister is working full time, and at the other end of the country. I think it is the best gift to those left behind to make sure your house is in order
@judesadventures I was 51 when we were going through all this. I had been the main breadwinner and, like you, had to face up to some unpleasant truths, like applying for my work pension early. I am pleased that you have had these difficult conversations as too many people think that if it is not talked about, then it won’t happen. At least when the worst happens your husband will know that he has done the best he can to help you and your son. Look after yourself.
Incidentally I have been asked to talk at The Christie Hospital in a couple of weeks, and my husband has been roped in to give the carer’s viewpoint. That should be interesting!
I bet your thoughts and fears resonates with many within the Bloodwise online community. It must have been so difficult for you during those times. What advice would you recommend to some people who have to prepare for the worst?