Got 1st Haematology appointment at hospital tomorrow morning, I am so scared
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Hi @Plobdule
I am so sorry you are going through this, it is blooming scary !
I was diagnosed last year and remember feeling a whole gamut of emotions so I understand a little of what you’re feeling.
Your appointment will hopefully answer all your questions i am sure you have and hopefully offer some reassurance. Write down your questions and concerns so you have a prompt to ask them and not miss anything
Keep coming to the forum too as there are some really knowledgeable and helpful people who are great at giving advice and help
Please take care , be very kind to yourself and rest as much as you can. Sending best wishes
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@Plobdule firstly welcome to the site and for having the courage to post.
I am sure that many who also remember their first visit after being diagnosed will share their own tales and insights, but this is the start of your own journey, so right now everything is a blur, the earth is shaking and you don’t know what to trust, including yourself.
Firstly as @Erica would say, write everything down, every question no matter how daft it sounds.
Secondly, step away from the google search bar and the enter key on the keyboard. Stick to information from sites like this one 
Leukaemia - what is it, symptoms and treatment | Blood Cancer UK
Thirdly, they say that this group of people are helpful and know what they are talking about…hang on the cheque has cleared, they are well informed people with clear insights into what you are going through and well positioned to give guidance and will understand the emotional rollercoaster you are on Blood cancer information and support by phone and email | Blood Cancer UK
Fourthly, never be afraid to come on here and ask for help or rant.
Good luck with your visit
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Hi DottieB, Thank you so much for your reply It is blooming scary you’re so right. 1st time on here, so need others who understand what it is like. I have a Mcmillan question leaflet I will take in with me tomorrow. For the 1st time in my life I will be selfish and look after myself first. Big hug sent to you Dottie I feel so alone. xx
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Thank you for replying to my post, it means so much to me. That’s a good way of describing how I feel as everything seems blurred like I’m on another planet, it’s lonely and terrifying too. I won’t go on Google search bar, Thank you for that advice clickinhistory. My emotions are just like being on a rollercoaster, I think I’ve grown many wrinkles from crying. So good to hear back from you I know where to come to let everything go out of my head, Big hug sent to you
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@Plobdule you are welcome, you sound the opposite from me when I got my diagnosis with Polycythaemia vera (PV) last year, after many years of feeling like you, I just went calm and went OK, I have an answer to those lost years.
We all react based upon past experiences, but we are all the same in the end. That is why the forum is so good, the history of so many people who have walked this way before all with in a search box.
So breathe deeply and slowly tomorrow and when you are called in, imagine them all trying to put their trouser legs on the wrong way and remember they are no different to you, just they have a set of keys to unlocking a few doors for you.
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Hi @Plobdule I am so glad that you have found us and it takes courage to post how you are honestly feeling.
When I read your post the memories and feelings came flooding back of my diagnosis with leukaemia 20 yrs ago.
It was the scariest time of my life, I felt so lonely, the only person in the world and in a bubble with the world going on around me.
I was not used to hospital appointments, the medical speak.
It is fine to be ‘pleasantly assertive’ and repeat your questions until you get answers, no questions that are important to you are not important questions.
I think it is very natural to feel scared, I did for quite a while, however you are not alone now you are part of our forum family.
If you feel you would like to speak to the Blood Cancer UK support line it is there on 0808 2080 888.
I was so heartened to hear that for the first time in your life that you will be ‘selfish’ and look after yourself. I would call that ‘self care’. Perhaps give yourself a great big hug from me.
Please do let us know how you get on tomorrow and I look forward to hearing more about you.
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Hello Erica, I only went into the hospital with a swollen knee and leg (Suspected blood clot.) But was told I had leukemia after blood tests. So It was a shock! Lovely to receive a big hug from you Thank you Erica. I will treat this forum as my family, as I don’t have a family so that is a positive. Hope to get some sleep tonight as not been sleeping. Big hug back to you Erica
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I will take some deep, slow breaths tomorrow. Thank you for that, I think that will help me. It all seems like a nightmare, with a rollercoaster of emotions. I’m exhausted now! Thank you for replying again. I hope I can sleep tonight as not slept much lately. Take care x
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@Plobdule Hope all went better than expected this morning and you remembered to breathe.
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Hi , was just wondering how you got on with your appointment today ?
Hope everything went as well as it could
Please take care
Best wishes
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Hi @Plobdule Please do let us know how your sleep was and how was your appointment, yes breathing is advised.
xxxx
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I broke down in tears as the Doctor in hematology told me how wrong it was to be told I had leukemia in the critical care unit, they should have referred me to the specialist hematology cancer care for diagnoses. They were very professional and a nurse took me off to help me. I remembered to breathe, Thank you so much clickinhistory xx
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Hi Dottie, they took more blood tests to test for which type of blood cancer I have. My next appointment is 12th July. Hopefully they will know then? So my pathway is known. The appointment went as well as it could Dottie, Thank you so much Dottie xx
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Good morning Erica, so glad I found this forum to help clear my mind and meet other like minded people with cancer and people that reply to my worries. I broke down yesterday, but did think I would find out what pathway I would be on? But they took 5 more blood tests to find out what blood cancer I have. My next appointment is 12th July with the haematology Doctor. I do feel so alone. I rang to speak to a doctor after the appointment as I havent slept much, he prescribed me sleeping pills, so hopefully I can sleep to cope with all the Rollercoaster ride of emotions and feelings. The doctor also offered anti-depressants, but I turned them down and said I would rather see how hopefully getting more sleep will help. Hope the tablets work? Thank you so much Erica xx
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Oh @Plobdule I think it is actually good that you burst down in tears, then the medical people know the impact of the way they say something and every word they say can have on you and all patients.
Also I admire you crying as I firmly believe that emotions are far better in than out medically.
I was brought up that good girls don’t cry and show emotions, they are seen and not heard. It has not done me any favours.
It is natural to have a rollercoaster ride of thoughts, emotions and feelings, Mine have been on high alert for 20 yrs.
Perhaps see if the sleeping pills work.
You can always talk about the anti depressants if you feel they might help later on.
I find if I can sleep I can think clearer.
No, you are not alone on here, be very kind to yourself and keep posting xx
You are doing so well
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Thank you Erica, your kind words will stay with me. My love and respect is with you xx
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@Plobdule now look what you have started, a turf war at the hospital
As for sleeping pills, try lettuce leaves in brown wholemeal bread instead. One of the side effects of blood cancers is not sleeping, we did a thread on things to do when not sleeping last year, bad tv binge watching box sets beat reading Shakespeare and Dickens surprisingly.
You have a date, so focus on that. Build a case work of information, questions and ask them.
As for the emotions, etc, in this you are just the same as everyone else, alone. Surrounded by friends, loved ones or family does not make a difference at the beginning, this is a part of the dance with cancer you need to do alone.
If you are unable to connect to the cancer and that it is a living part of you, then it becomes a tiring battle against yourself.
You are not defined by it and it is not defined by you, but it becomes a dance partner and both of you will fight to lead. Learn to trust both of you and know that some days cancer will lead and others, you will.
I suggest, as many on here have discovered, a creative outlet to channel the feelings and emotions. Some on here hike, sew, knit, paint, garden, take photos, write or become fashionistas with floppy hats cat walking down their streets while dictating their memories to a lacky about their misspent youth
And if awake at this time of year, watch the world come alive as Summer reaches it’s zenith and starts to head back to winter.
Forest bathing, meditation, mugs of hot chocolate listening to music, all of these things can and do help, but you need to find the one that connects to you right now. They change as you change in this journey you have started.
We are all born mortal, but sometimes it is a touch of that mortality that makes us really appreciate life and the world around us.
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