Hello @Erica. I am glad the waiting is over for you and you got your results. I wonder how you are feeling about it? I have been thinking of you. Willow x
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Hi @Willow thanks for your post and I was walking to meet friends this afternoon and thought that walk would give me the opportunity to give my reply to you the in depth thought that you deserved.
A brilliant question and just what I needed.
I think as I grow older I am able to have more insight into me and how my upbringing and life experiences have got me to where I am today.
I am an expert at numbing my feelings.
However when I was sitting in the waiting room I came over quite emotional and wondered if I would hold it together during the consultation.
I am a complex, but simple being, and realise nothing is straight forward in my head and it is like a washing machine with all the clothes going round and round and getting tangled together.
As I left home my husband had asked me why I was going to hospital which annoyed me, as I had told him several times.
A very good friend of mine was very terminally ill in the same hospital and her breast cancer had rapidly spread throughout her body.
Her husband had prostrate cancer and skin cancer which had also apparently spread.
Anyway I was called in and the emotions went and I went into coping mode.
The consultant gave me the good news, but did not give me time to bask in the moment before finishing the sentence by saying âbut we must not get complacentâ and going on to say what he would do if (I heard âwhenâ) something look amiss.
So the word I used was I felt weird and my washing machine went into overdrive.
Now I am back to feeling numb and shelving it till my next appointment in 3 mths time.
Thanks again, you are a star, how are you doing?
Really look after yourself xx
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Oh Erica! I think I would have damaged my husband if heâd asked why I was going to the hospital! So you went alone??! Absolutely no excuses for your husband there. And your doctor?!!! Why follow up good news with a lecture on complacency??
Itâs a good job youâre tough on the outside Erica! Thinking of you lovely lady. Take your own advice and look after YOU for a change! I feel a treat coming on! 
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Oh @Erica. Thank you for giving so much thought and consideration to your reply. I apologise for not responding sooner. I identify with a lot of the reactions you describe. Funnily enough I have used the analogy of my head feeling like a washing machine with all my thoughts tumbling around inside. In fact I wrote a poem about it. Here are a few verses I wrote a while ago âŚ
OUT IF CONTROL
Like a washing machine
Full of dirty clothes
My emotions sometimes
Seem out of control.
Filling, emptying,
Occasionally still,
Rinsing, spinning
Frighteningly real.
One moment I am sad
And I am not sure why,
Overwhelmed
By the pain inside.
Then I get frustrated
By my circumstances
Only too aware
Of myelofibrosis.
So many feelings
New and strange
Disturbing thoughts
I find hard to explain.
Uncomfortable sensations
I can no longer hide
Anger and resentment
I try to disguise.
Confronted once more
By family dynamics
My heart beats faster
And I start to panic
Wishing there was someone
On those difficult days
To give me hug
And say itâs okay.
Just when I think
Things are settling down
Along comes something else
To destroy my calm.
I long for the cycle
To come to an end
For some peace to fill
My troubled mind.
Thinking of you and wishing you a Happy Easter. Willow x
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Oh @Willow Your poem is something I will cherish and often refer to.
You have just encapsulated my thoughts and head perfectly.
All I can say (and it is not enough) is thank you and I hope you can enjoy Easter everyone.
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