My sister died of an aggressive Lymphoma at the weekend. I have had Chronic lymphocytic leukaemia (CLL) for 21 yrs. She was only diagnosed in July this year and the end came very fast. I feel honoured to have been with her when she died, after a very quick dash to the West Country by me.
Yes, I am feeling Survivors Guilt.
She was 3 yrs younger than me and had appeared far healthier.
Over the years since my diagnosis I have lost many wonderful people blood cancers and other conditions and always felt Survivors Guilt.
My 2 best friends at school died several years ago and I am still here.
This year 2 very good friends died of other conditions and those feelings came back to me.
Is Survivors Guilt the right words to use? Is it just part of the grieving process?
Thank you for sharing @Erica and for your honesty. Firstly, my heart goes out to you as you have experienced so much loss. Please accept my condolences and a virtual hug at this incredibly sad time. I don’t know whether what I am going to say will help so please excuse my ramblings too! As you know I have a twin and in many ways she has always been the healthy one. In the midst of all my health challenges I have gained comfort from the fact that she isn’t having to go through all that I am going through. Then, three years ago she was diagnosed with an Myeloproliferative neoplasms (MPN) similar, but less complicated, than mine. Recently she has been having a really rough time and I am struggling with this. I feel I want to protect her from having to live with a blood cancer but it’s out of my control. Sorry to talk about my sister when you have just lost yours, but I suppose I am trying to say that how you are feeling is okay and makes sense. I think it probably is all part of grieving. We shouldn’t feel guilty although it’s a natural human reaction. None of us have any control over these diagnoses and all we can do is offer support, love and understanding which you always do so selflessly, @Erica. Thank you. I hope you can feel us supporting you virtually at this time. Willow xx
I am sad and sorry to learn about your Sister’s passing.
I think many of us in this forum have experienced some form of Survivors Guilt. I know Danae and I have both felt a deep sadness when we learn that someone we have met on our way has not made it. It is a time to sit in that moment and feel sorrow. That is human and okay.
My thoughts beyond that moment are, we could lose someone at any moment, for that is life. A loved one/someone close could no longer be here for many different reasons. Life is truly precious.
I also think that if that special person could tell us anything I don’t think they would want us to feel guilt. Their love and heart would want you to acknowledge the sadness but I think they would definitely want you to move on from that. Again, I repeat, life is precious and I feel they would want you to move on and live every minute in a positive place.
Sending love to you @Erica . Take some time and then move forward in that love
We are so very sorry to read of your sisters passing. We are glad to read you made it to the West Country in time to say goodbye and I am sure this was a huge comfort for your sister knowing you were there.
I don’t think I can add much to the really lovely comments you already have here but please do be gentle with yourself. You will be going through such a process of thoughts, feelings and emotions right now, whether grief or survivor guilt its important to recognise all of these feelings are normal, and like @SarahMum has said sometimes we just have to sit with that and take each day as it comes. Sadly all of these things are very much out of our control.
Please do know you have the whole community here for you, just the way you are always here for everyone else!
You are always welcome to call us if it would help to talk things through.
Sending love,
Heidi J (Support Services Nurse)
I’m was so sorry to hear your sad news. It all happened so quickly and you must be physically and emotionally exhausted.
I am so glad you travelled to be by your sisters side. It would have meant so much to her.
As everybody else has said, these feelings are so natural. It’s so much to process in such a small space of time and being so unexpected makes it so hard.
You have always said how important it is to be kind to yourself. I want you to remember these words and take extra special care of yourself. We are all here for you anytime of the day or night.
I’m so sorry to read of your loss and how it’s left you feeling. Sounds like survivor’s guilt alright and nothing I can add here will help like time passing, helping to smooth out that horrible grief.
Your sister will always be with you and you have all your loving memories of the two of you to sink into whenever you feel like it.
Like others have said we’re here for you and thank you for sharing, but personally I wish I could take you out for coffee and cake!
Hi @Erica. So sorry to hear of the lose of your sister. Have only just read your post, have been on holiday in Torquay. It must be very hard for you under the circumstances of your illness. Sending hugs. Lynda
Hi @Nichola75 thanks for asking. I have come to terms with the fact that my sister has died I think partly because of the distance that we lived apart and secondly because I was with her when she died and that it was such a blessing.
What I am having is that I feel like a wet achy rag, my fatigue has really taken hold and my internal thermostat is all over the place.
I take everything internally hence the delayed action. It will just take time.
Oh, @Erica… I’ve been away on holiday and only just read this thread, but you are in my thoughts today. Feelings of grief can be so very complex, especially if we aren’t particularly healthy ourselves. I hope you can get some peace through sleep and your hobbies as the days wear by. Glad to hear you were able to be with your sister, it would have been such a comfort am sure. Take care of your precious self, I would take you out for tea and chocolates if you lived closer, then we could go for a nosy walk together! Hugs xxxx
Firstly three close friends of mine died this year of other cancers and they all had birthdays in the second half of this month. one on my cancerversary.
Then my sister died suddenly in September of a blood cancer within 3 months of diagnosis, see above.
Last night a local good friend of mine died of a blood cancer. I first met her 52 yrs ago when our sons were babies and our lives touched each others as our sons grew up, school, cubs, scouts etc. Then her son married my very good supportive friend’s, daughter.
So again my survivors guilt has kicked in, I think it feels compounded.
I don’t think the time of year helps, for me it is always a time of reflection, thinking about the people I have lost over the years.
Because I was diagnosed in December the feelings of going through the holiday period in an isolated bubble with the world seemingly celebrating around me have returned as they did that first year. However knowing myself as well as I do I expect my default smiley mask will go on and I shall try and be the ‘hostess with the mostess’.
I know where I can get help to process all this, but I just wanted to type it out as it really helps me.
It is also great to know that we can post on our supportive forum 24/7
Dear @Erica, thank you for sharing. I’m really so sorry that you lost your close friend. That alone would make me incredibly sad, but to lose so many loved ones so close together… I can’t quite imagine what you’ve been feeling and going through this year, but no wonder it’s amped up a guilty sense of survival. I for one am very glad you’re with us, feeling guilty or not. Perhaps that bubble sensation is a way to keep you safe from such difficult feelings for now? Grief can present in many ways, feel it however you need to.
Personally I find this time of year very difficult for various reasons and tend to keep my head down until the new year is with us, but I wouldn’t recommend holding onto losses alone. Your loved ones are still with you whenever you want to remember them, maybe you can take some time for yourself to reflect and be in those memories? I’d want to get away from all responsibilities, personally, but I understand that for others keeping busy can also help. Please try to do what you would like and ask for others to assist in this. Time for lots of treats.
I am sorry to learn of the loss of your very dear friend. That alongside all of the other sadness and loss you have experienced this past year has been a lot. Take some time. There is no need to don any mask or try to move feelings on.
It is okay to sit in that sadness and feel the guilt at this moment in time. These are genuine and valid emotions. But, we all know you lovely @Erica - you are a resilient and ultimately positive individual with the kindest and caring heart.
So look after you and that very special heart. The special people you have lost will all want you to move forward when the time is right for you…
@Erica hello lovely you. I can’t say it any better than the others but just wanted to echo their words. You can always be who you are, express safely how you’re feeling and finding our support here. All those emotions and feelings are okay, understandable and indeed I think partly expected - and they can be typed here and accepted without judgement. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced another loss, and another one so closely related to blood cancer. This time of year with its enforced jollity and coinciding with your diagnosis anniversary and other changes is a lot to bear. You are surrounded with support and friendship here so keep using the forum as you need. The mask can slip, indeed it can be entirely removed here. Sending you love and every good wish from my heart to yours x
Oh @Erica what a year you have had. I am not good at writing things down, I am a face to face people person and will chat to anyone. But you dear Erica have the gift to touch so many people on this forum with your posts, so try not to feel survivors guilt, you have done and are still doing wonderful work on this forum. I wish you a happy Christmas and a better new year, take time out for you and your family. Sending hugs.
xx
