Dear @Erica, sometimes there are no words. Others have said it on here better than I, but just wanting to send you my love at this difficult and challenging time. It’s ok not to be ok. Thinking of you. As you always say to others here, remember to be kind to yourself, and as the wonderful artist Charlie Mackesy says, ‘There were dark days but you didn’t give up. One day you will look back and realise how hard it was and just how well you did.’ Willow x
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Hello dear Erica
I just thought I’d send you a gentle hug tonight. I hear that dealing with so many losses, including your dear sister, is very very hard, especially given the blood cancer link. Christmas can also be so triggering! I have lost six friends over the past four years and another in November, she was only 56, so aware it can be hard to know where to go with this level of pain/distress and sometimes downright confusion.
Please kind to yourself, you are most certainly worth it! But also let yourself ‘be’. I understand the demands of this… I work on it a lot, but I think that sometimes we just need to feel what we feel.
Much love, dear Erica
xxxxxxxx
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@Leigh65 @Willow @Lyndam @judesadventures @SarahMum @Duncan
I cannot thank you all for your support, it means more to me than you will ever know.
I have made cooking shortcuts to make it easier for me this year.
If you are all ever so kind to yourselves I will be too!!!
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Sorry I’m late here to reply. Just read all of the replies and I can’t add anything more. What I can do is send you a huge virtual hug. I’m so pleased that you have this space to say what you need to. Always here for you 
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Sorry @Erica for the late reply
You’ve most certainly had an emotional, physically and mentally draining and challenging time especially with managing everything that is going on with you.
though it is easy to feel guilt and understandable. I know I felt watching my sister struggle and remember a conversation of which was easier going through tough and terminal times or watching someone you love and care about going through it, we can to the conclusion there was no winner. There is no win in enduring what they did to then finally be at peace vs having a lasting memory of them in pain and continuing life knowing there are no longer with us.
I struggle to find the words to make all the mental conversations and thoughts any easier.
I think what helps me overcome loss is that sometimes is bestowed on us the responsibility of remembering one’s life to extend their memory of their existence and time and to remember all the good they did and the positive feeling they brought when you were with them and replicate these going forward like an Olympic torch passing on so that every good deed and action has the fingerprints of people of the past whom have enriched us.
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Belated Christmas wishes to you @Erica
I’m so sorry it’s taken me a few weeks to see this—I’ve been away from the forum for a bit due to my own health ( but all good now) .
I was really gutted to read about your sister. It’s incredibly cruel that she was taken so quickly.
‘Survivor’s guilt’ is exactly the right phrase, and it’s something so many of us feel. It’s that total lack of rhyme or reason to cancer that’s so hard to wrap your head around. It’s not a reflection on you, just the unfairness of the hand we’re dealt.
I’m so glad you made it down to the West Country in time to be with her, though.
Thinking of you , you are always missed.
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Thanks @Jules, @Nichola75 and @Rammie18 thanks so much for your kind thoughts.
@Jules sorry to hear that you have had health problems, but glad all good now.
Look after yourselves you very special friends
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Hi @Erica, just thought Id check in and see how you’re doing? I was thinking of you over the Christmas/New Year period.
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Thanks so much for checking in on me.
Christmas, New Year and a birthday are always a time of reflection for me, but also a time of gratitude for what I have got in my life and I am a very lucky girl.
Look after and be very kind to yourselves @Ceri_BloodCancerUK and all at Blood Cancer UK and on our very special and supportive forum
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Just read your post and all the other responses. So sorry to hear that you lost your sister. Time heals and we live on and so do they… in our thoughts and memories. I hope you have a happy and healthy New Year… thinking of you, hugs xxxx
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Oh, Thank you @Jola13 your post means a lot to me.xx
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@Erica I’m very late to reply
I hope you are feeling a little bit upbeat. You have been through a lot of loss and it takes time to process and be at peace with these feelings. My dear friend told me if I could do something for her it was to live the life that she couldn’t continue. I promised her I would. It was heart breaking when she left us but I have her messages and pictures and when I miss her I visit them.
Sending you a great big hug and love xx
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You have had a really tough time @Erica
I have seen the term Survivors Remorse mentioned several times recently.
While it’s different when a sibling goes, there are so many people meet through your journey who become your little support network.
We use to joke that meeting up at the Haematology Clinic was our social life.
Sadly 50% of that little support network are no longer with us.
I try and remember the fun times we had in our short meet ups at the clinic and when on the Ward.
And yes I have times too when I question why the journey came to an end for them but not me.
Sadly there’s no answer to that as everyone going through blood cancer is different, even if they have the same type of cancer
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Thanks @DuncanB and all. Yesterday I was at the funeral of my local friend, who I had known for 52 yrs, and died of a blood cancer just before Christmas and when I got home there were several missed calls on my phone.
The calls were that another friend, who I met up with twice a week, had been found dead just sitting on her sofa with her cat.
I was telling my Pilates teacher today as she knew my friend and she burst into tears as her younger sister had died yesterday in Australia.
So we shed tears and had a hug.
I think I will just have a quiet contemplative evening tonight. Thank goodness for our forum.
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@Erica so sorry to read of these further losses. Wrapping you in a hug from up here, and always grateful for YOU x
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Thanks so much @judesadventures you have always been such a support to me, that hug in a blanket feels so good, you are not getting that blanket back!!
You are all on my mind so often, I am sending you a ‘hug in a (giant size) blanket’ back. xx
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Hi Erica. Such a shock for you and loss upon loss. I have only recently joined the forum but, just through scrolling across different areas, I can see how much gentle and wise comfort you have given to others. I hope you can absorb the same comfort from your forum friends and those who do not know you so well yet. Take care.
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Oh @Erica I am so sorry to read this! There are no words, just sending you my love and strength and a virtual hug. You are going through so much loss. So hard to understand. Go gently and softly with yourself. Thinking of you. Willow x
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Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry Erica. What a sad and very emotional day for you. You’ve had such a tough few months and I’m sorry you’re having to go through all of this. Sending a huge hug
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This is so terribly sad. Poor you @Erica, I’m really sorry. Quiet contemplation indeed. At times like these I find botanic and Japanese gardens comforting, and being under massive tall trees, or beside the sea. I’m sure you’ll find your own comfort in time 
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